A couple of days ago I wrote about a problem that I literally did not realize was a problem up until that moment. And only a few days later, I realized how big of an issue it really has been in my life.
You see when I was a child, from about 5-9 years old, I was taken advantage of by a family member on my mothers side. It is crazy to think about, because I honestly don’t remember much of it. I think it was because any time it would happen I would immediately force myself to forget. So many years later and I still have never spoke to anyone about it. I mean yeah sure, my mother and close family and friends became aware of it. But I never truly spoke about it. About how it may have affected me or how it made me feel about myself… Until today. Today I realized with the help of a good friend why I’m so fucked in the head for desiring the attention of random strangers, whom I’ve never met over social media. At first like anyone I assumed that it was just social media that was the problem. But as I digged further and further into my emotions and actions, I realized that it was because of what happened to me so long ago. I am a sexual person for sure and I know that it’s due to the sexual discomfort I experienced as a child. But I never stopped to imagine how it affected me psychologically.
Today, I decided to tell my fiancé about my addiction. My addiction of feeling desired, wanted, and in a way accepted for the fucked up psychological trauma I never realized I had in me. Today, I realized so much I never saw or was aware of for the past almost 18 years of my life since it all stopped. My fiancé, as I spoke to him about the selfish need to feel wanted by other man, sat there staring at me. My fiancé, as I expressed through shame that I searched for my own gain to feel wanted when he was enough, scooted closer to me. My fiancé, as my most desperate need for attention came to life, was there for me. It was than when I realized so much more. My fiancé has and always will be enough.
I finally told him I have a problem… An addiction. And as always he reminded me that he would be there. Like he always had. And I reminded myself that through love once more I could over come this horrible wound I experienced in my life so young. And now in my life as so.
jamlikemeh 