I finally told him I have a problem… An addiction. 

Tags

,

A couple of days ago I wrote about a problem that I literally did not realize was a problem up until that moment.  And only a few days later, I realized how big of an issue it really has been in my life. 

You see when I was a child, from about 5-9 years old, I was taken advantage of by a family member on my mothers side. It is crazy to think about, because I honestly don’t remember much of it. I think it was because any time it would happen I would immediately force myself to forget. So many years later and I still have never spoke to anyone about it. I mean yeah sure, my mother and close family and friends became aware of it. But I never truly spoke about it. About how it may have affected me or how it made me feel about myself… Until today. Today I realized with the help of a good friend why I’m so fucked in the head for desiring the attention of random strangers, whom I’ve never met over social media. At first like anyone I assumed that it was just social media that was the problem. But as I digged further and further into my emotions and actions, I realized that it was because of what happened to me so long ago. I am a sexual person for sure and I know that it’s due to the sexual discomfort I experienced as a child. But I never stopped to imagine how it affected me psychologically. 

Today, I decided to tell my fiancé about my addiction. My addiction of feeling desired, wanted, and in a way accepted for the fucked up psychological trauma I never realized I had in me. Today, I realized so much I never saw or was aware of for the past  almost 18 years of my life since it all stopped. My fiancé, as I spoke to him about the selfish need to feel wanted by other man, sat there staring at me. My fiancé, as I expressed through shame that I searched for my own gain to feel wanted when he was enough, scooted closer to me. My fiancé, as my most desperate need for attention came to life, was there for me. It was than when I realized so much more. My fiancé has and always will be enough. 

I finally told him I have a problem… An addiction. And as always he reminded me that he would be there. Like he always had. And I reminded myself that through love once more I could over come this horrible wound I experienced in my life so young. And now in my life as so. 

Advertisements

I’m addicted to feeling desired!

Tags

,

I have an amazing person who has loved me for almost three amazing years. But for some reason. It is never enough. And it’s not because he does not do his part as my soulmate or the person who loves and takes care of me. It’s because I have a problem. I’m addicted to feeling desired. Ever since I can remember, I have always had attention from both men and women.  I’m a 5’10 Hispanic guy who weights 178 pounds, brown eyes, tan skin, and a Japanese background. As far as I’ve been told I have an “exotic” look. I personally take care of myself and go to the gym at least four times a week. I try to eat healthy and focus on my life, in other words my family, friends, and school. So I live my life like any other. Some people are addicted to drugs or alcohol. But my addiction is unique in its own right. The feeling of being desired and needed is my biggest problem yet. I have my life together and I tend to think that I am a good person. 

In other words, I’m writing this blog because I would like to know why I’m always looking for that attention. I have thought of numerous reasons why, but I can never come up with a solid answer. So I ask you, the readers: why am I addicted to feeling desired? Why can’t I be okay with just having someone who loves me so dearly as I love them? For all I know. Am I writing this blog just for the attention? Even if I didn’t know it. 

#LGBT #GAY #MYADDICTION